The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
