Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His nipple licking is glorious
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