She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
