Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
