I showed him my bush... on skype.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
