I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
