Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
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you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
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Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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