Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
