life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
