rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
home. puking in laundry basket.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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