I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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