The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
