The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
