shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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