I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
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I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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