I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
