you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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