Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We got so high we made milksteak
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
