I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
