You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
