So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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