I met the friendliest cop last night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
