PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
