Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
