I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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