y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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