i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
