Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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