I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
