I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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