4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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