I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
