When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
