You smell like stripper and shame
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
