So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
They have beer where we have blood.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
