dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm fucking your sister right now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.