What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
