my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
