my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
