I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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