How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
