Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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