grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
