New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I didn't notice because vodka
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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