I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
