We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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