I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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