Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
