Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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