please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
