How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
