She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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