Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize