Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
