so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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