I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
