I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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