I just threw up on my dentist
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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