the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
