I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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