after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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