He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
