So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
