In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
