Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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