you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
