I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
