Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
